- British Muslim men are increasingly marrying women from the motherland due to a perceived disconnect between genders in the West.
- This trend raises questions about cultural clashes, parenting dynamics, and the impact of societal influences within the British Muslim community.
With mounting gender wars in the west, there seems to be a heightened disconnect between Muslim men and women. As a consequence, many brothers are increasingly taking that infamous trip to Tangier to find a more submissive and feminine wife. Alternatively, they are complying with their mum’s requests and marrying their cousin Bushra from Jhelum. This typically occurs after they’ve been burnt by a Muslimah from the west.
And who can blame them? The fracture is usually pretty severe. Divorcing a Muslimah in the west is a hard punch in the gut for many brothers. Many of them write off all Muslim women from the west as a consequence, and label them all as “feminists” and “bad apples”.
Following their failed marriage, many brothers dangerously resort to adopting narratives espoused by the Red Pill movement, jeopardising their Islamic values in the process. But let’s take a hiatus from this discussion for a moment, we’ll return to it in the latter portion of this article.
There is total carnage on the streets. Divorce is rife, single mothers are prevalent, British Muslim women are using the UK court system to weaponise their children from seeing their ex husbands. A heinous crime in Islam, considering lineage is to be preserved in our deen, lineage is traditionally identified through the father. And to add, if I may, severing family ties is a major sin in Islam.
Furthermore, Feminism and the Red Pill movement are continuing to brew. Both movements are contaminated with misconceptions regarding the nature of gender harmony.
However, the crux of the issue lies in our misplaced focus. “Boss babes” are not the problem in our ummah in my humble opinion. Due to my own grass roots work- I have observed many Gen Z Muslimah’s marrying very young. However, they are sadly getting divorced equally as young.
Research demonstrates that women are deferring marriage as a consequence of feminist principles and placing a higher premium on their careers. However, these findings are not specific to the Muslim community and refer to society as a whole. The “Boss Babe” pandemic seems to be a non-Muslim issue (in the UK at least) from my vast observations.
The influence of Instagram couples has accelerated the desire among Muslim girls to marry at an even faster pace. The portrayal of marriage by social media couples romanticises it, leading Muslim women to seek marriage at a young age. This is a good thing right? Wrong! Not in this context. Sadly, their disregard for discerning priorities and absence of wisdom and maturity are evident as they indulge in dreams of a fairy tale wedding, fixating on their dream dress, princess-cut diamond ring— and dream of openly professing, “Alhumdulillah for the way he looks at me,” on their Instagram posts.
All these dreams, rather than cultivating aspirations of a resilient marriage that demands dedication, a profound connection, commitment, and nurturing. Many overlook the importance of finding a husband who embraces them for their flaws which they are working on, and vice versa, and someone who will strive with them towards attaining Jannah.
Now, where was I? I’d like to bring our attention back to the matter at hand…
What fundamental distinctions exist between sisters from the motherland and those from the West? What lessons can be extracted here?
I must caveat this with the following: While I am about to make sweeping generalisations, it’s crucial to acknowledge that individuals should never be judged solely based on their geographical origins. Nonetheless, valuable insights can often be derived from understanding a person’s khuluq in relation to the societies which they hail from. Furthermore, I realise I’m about to ruffle a lot of feathers with what I’m about to say but take your gloves off for a second and hear me out.
Women from the subcontinent possess a distinct flair. Many are incredibly feminine and less outspoken. However, they are also incredibly chalaak (google translate isn’t translating this word accurately enough). However, what I’m attempting to articulate is that our sisters from these regions don’t always speak their minds; it’s the way they’ve been raised. Ironically, I am by no means hurling an insult towards them. There’s wisdom in knowing when to stay silent, and sisters from the West could glean from their example. Sometimes, many of them even wear the trousers in the relationship without wearing the trousers in the relationship if you know what I mean and manipulate their husbands with their feminine charm. I’m not implying that this is commendable. However, brothers from the West either remain unaware of this dynamic or appear unperturbed by it, as they seldom feel emasculated by these sisters. This could be attributed to their generally less argumentative nature compared to Muslim women from the west, which contributes to fostering peace and tranquility within the family home, thus preserving the unity of the family unit. I’m still uncertain which one it is regarding the insight of the brothers—I’m attempting to assemble an answer in my mind as we speak.
Muslim women born and raised in the west, conversely, are taught to speak their minds. Speaking the truth is a beautiful attribute that ought to be celebrated, as it fosters authenticity, genuine growth, depth, closeness and connection within relationships. Hence, given that Muslim individuals from the Western world express themselves more freely and more honestly, they are prone to cultivate more profound relationships.
Having said this, many sisters from the west could do with popping some humble pie in the oven. Many behave like they know everything when they don’t- a kind of narcissism brought about by being raised in a society which promotes Individualism and Feminism. The world revolves around many of them. Consequently, their opinion and feelings reign supreme. As a result, they often have issues with being submissive to their husbands and in turn, end up contributing towards sabotaging their own relationships.
Aisha (RA) authentically expressed herself when she smashed plates in front of guests in her family home. While, of course, I’m not suggesting that we emulate this, there’s profound significance in embodying authenticity while also exemplifying the wisdom of Khadijah (RA), our Islamic mothers and role models.
A peaceful home is what should always take priority. This is the pot of gold at end of the rainbow.
When UK brothers marry women from back home, many of these marriages thrive, showcasing a dynamic that appears to be successful. Sisters often relocate to the UK, leaving behind their families in pursuit of financial security, and the brothers appear content as well.
However, this scenario changes dramatically if, for instance, there’s a brother who married a nice girl from Sylhet and brought her to the UK to appease his family, while simultaneously maintaining a haram relationship with “the love of his life” in the UK.
Interestingly, the dynamic shifts when sisters marry brothers from the native land, as it doesn’t seem to yield the same level of success.
When brothers marry women from the motherland, they are introducing these sisters to a society and culture which they have little knowledge of. Consequently, being a good woman, who listens to your husband and puts roti on the table when needed, is simply not good enough to fulfil the demands of being an impactful mother in this modern era.
Children whose father is from the UK and mother is from “back home” tend to naturally be emotionally closer to their father. This isn’t to say that they aren’t taught to respect and love their mothers. However, they would tend to go to their father for a deep and meaningful conversation, simply because their mother does not understand their societal norms, them as individuals and their struggles, as she was not born and raised in the west. Additionally, they often feel more at ease communicating openly with their fathers. Furthermore, many children would even be cheeky and pull the wool over their mother’s eyes if she is from ‘back home,’ as she is simply not as attuned to her surroundings.
Consequently, brothers who have brought wives from Pakistan, Morocco, Bangladesh etc to the UK, must not merely be content with the fact that their wives don’t give them a headache. They must now educate their women on her surroundings, exposing them to situations that foster personal growth, in order to be dynamic mothers. After all, many of our dear sisters from back home will be mothers of the next generation of Muslims in the UK. It is therefore incumbent upon them to raise strong, unapologetic Muslim youth who are going to carry Islam forward in a powerful, meaningful and beautiful manner!
Muslim mothers cannot rely on their husbands to intricately understand the challenges faced by Muslim youth today, particularly as it is the mother who spends the most time with her child.
Many of our own mothers, for instance, migrated from Pakistan to the UK, they lovingly nurtured us, disciplined us when necessary and this sufficed- it worked back then. However, society has vastly evolved. Moreover, there are now rampant dangers within the UK education system, dangers of screen time for children and on the streets. Threats of indoctrination of Muslim children of the next generation which encompass LGBTQ, Atheism, Nihilism, low self-esteem, Islamophobia etc, etc…
A concerning trend is emerging in the West, where an increasing number of Muslim sisters are embracing feminism. Concurrently, there is a parallel trend of Muslim brothers failing to embody the authentic traits of masculinity.
A Muslim woman enters into matrimony with a man, whom she respects, admires, looks up to, and is prepared to submit to as her leader. However, she will find it challenging to submit to someone she does not respect. Therefore, a fundamental aspect ought to be considered here: a woman’s is reactive to how she is being treated by a man.
In contemporary society, many brothers struggle to navigate relationships with women. Irrespective of which corner of the world a woman hails from, she will not disrespect a man who demonstrates self-respect and establishes clear boundaries regarding how he expects to be treated and spoken to, including his role as a leader.
We observe numerous sisters today showcasing their beauty to the world, sometimes even seen dancing on TikTok while adorned in hijab. It’s important to remember that these women are someone’s sister, daughter, or wife. As previously mentioned, men are entrusted with leadership roles and if you are permitting such behaviour from your women folk, you have failed to fulfil your duty as a protector. This demonstrates a lack of gheera and resembles the behaviour of a Dayouth.
Similarly, if you are a man who exhibits laziness, lacks bravery and fortitude, fails to honour his commitments and promises, have one rule for your daughter regarding pre-marital relationships and yet pat your son on the back for his pre-martial relationship, are miserly, exploitative, physically fit yet cheat the benefits system, refuse to work and have burdened your wife with providing for the family financially, don’t be surprised if the women in your life turn to feminism and disrespect you. Furthermore, the immense stress you’ve imposed upon them is a consequence of your failure and incompetent leadership.
With this being said, we must all take accountability for our own actions- Muslim women included, and as women, being submissive to your husband and/or the man of the house is a part of our job description in Islam. Feminism or any other ism or skism for that matter, is never the answer, irrespective of your circumstances.
However, Muslim men in the west cannot attribute the issues in their household to Feminism, as along the trajectory, a number of them faltered in their leadership roles, thereby abdicating their responsibilities and failing to provide guidance. Whether they perpetuated such actions towards their daughters or younger sisters, subsequently this influenced the dynamics within another Muslim household and the ramifications are lamentable.
