• Muslim families in the UK traditionally live together before marriage, but there’s growing acceptance of financially successful single Muslims living independently.
• The shift towards Western individualism contrasts with traditional Muslim family values. Studies suggest Individualism may decrease life satisfaction and harm mental health.
I’d like to think there’s something organic about the time we spend together. For this reason, I will be the eyes and ears for my brothers and sisters who don’t live in the west.
For those of you dear readers who do, I don’t expect any prizes for pointing out to you, that Muslim families in the UK still predominately reside with their families prior to marriage, rather than living independently. This was particularly evident during the COVID-19 pandemic which disproportionally impacted individuals from from BAEM backgrounds. Initially attributed to higher Vitamin D deficiency among these communities, another significant factor highlighted was the close living proximity of families.
Single Muslims often live with their families due to both cultural and economic factors. However, in recent years, there has been growing parental acceptance of financially successful single Muslim men and women in stable, well-paying jobs who choose to establish their own homes and live solo, whether by renting or securing a halal-compliant mortgage or otherwise.
It greatly surprises me how accepting many Muslim families have become of unmarried girls living independently. Mothers now simply state, “She wanted to be independent.”
The glamorisation of solitary living as something extraordinary often overlooks a harsh reality: loneliness is a profound affliction. I have encountered many single Muslim women in the West who live independently willingly, and, in my humble opinion, it profoundly affects them. They tend to become hardened, excessively cynical, and domineering, losing their innate softness and playful demeanor. Anyone in such a position would inevitably develop a tough exterior, especially in the West, where safety for women does not compare to that in regions such as the Middle East, for instance.
In Islam, a single woman finds protection from her father and/or brother/(s), a safeguarding unit that seems to diminish when sisters choose to live independently.
But it’s not just young women with high paid jobs, young men who have done well in the dunya, are too are embarking on independent living.
I ought to preface this with the fact that, I don’t want this to be an unkind discussion. I’m cognisant of the fact that some single sisters live out because they are fleeing difficult situations at home such as abuse, and are unable to taste a slice of serenity. My discourse, however, is directed towards individuals who are not parents themselves and are from nurturing and supportive family backgrounds, which appears to encompass a growing number engaging in this practice.
Muslims reside in predominantly ethnic and economically deprived boroughs and districts in the UK. Consequently, one motivation for people wanting to relocate independently is the desire to ascend the socio-geographical hierarchy. This is done when a bit of money has been tasted. Renting a luxurious apartment in Canary Wharf, for instance, is more appealing than residing with ones family in East Ham—even if temporarily.
But perhaps there’s more to it. The impetus appears to be propelled by the Western influence of materialism. However, the dominant ideology of individualism is certainly a factor.
Findings across 14 studies showed individualism to be associated with a reduced satisfaction with life, along with an increased likelihood of depressive symptomatology and suicide ideation in young people. Similarly, in the study titled, ‘Global Increases in Individualism,’ it was determined that rising rates of male suicide also had the largest rise in the proportion of people living alone, as well as decreasing portions of married people.
A study exploring the impact of individualism on contemporary American society stated that lndividualistic attitudes have slowly caused American society to self-destruct. The study asserts that this is seen in the deinstitutionalisation of marriage through increased divorce rates, decreased marriage rates, and an increase in alternative options to marriage.
Consequently, at the very least, living alone before marriage could be posited to heighten the likelihood of encountering depression, which is not an ideal state of mind to be in prior to meeting one’s ideal partner.
Interestingly, a 2017 survey conducted across Europe, found Britain to be the most Individualistic society. 52% of Brits said that they wanted their future society to be built on this basis.
Muslims do not follow the English custom of tossing our children out at sixteen, nor do we abandon our elderly parents in care homes—Alhumdulillah. However, these values must be upheld. Therefore, we must guard ourselves against individualism infiltrating our mindset and polluting our principles.
Adopting Individualistic tendencies is the subjugation of being under the boot of the white man and believing that these ways of life are superior to ours. Who does this dominant ideology inflict the most? I suppose people who don’t like thinking.
In his 36-volume work “Ihya, Ulum al-Din’ Al Ghazali discusses self-love, stating that it leads to divine love. The kind of self love Ghazali was talking about wasn’t a nafsi one. Rather, practicing self-love, in turn, can enhance your relationships with family members and those around you. Moreover, in the longitudinal study conducted by Harvard which commenced in the 1930s, the happiness of men was tracked for decades. The directors of the study, Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz, had this to say about what components are required for a happy life:
“Contrary to what many people think, it’s not career achievement, or exercise, or a healthy diet,” write the authors—though those things matter, too, they add. Instead, “one thing continuously demonstrates its broad and enduring importance: Good relationships.”
The authors suggest, because we live in a culture which pushes us toward going it alone and overachieving at the expense of our relationships. If we don’t understand what makes us happy, they argue, we may end up choosing unwisely—for example, pursuing high-salaried jobs that take us away from our communities.
Besides, let’s be honest, purchasing a single-serving frozen vegetarian lasagne from Waitrose hardly sounds like fun.
